The picture of $12 delicious-tasting cookies engulfed my mind when Crumble Cookie came up; after all, it was one of the fastest-growing spots in the country. However, Crumbl Cookies, I have since learned, are an expensive and quick way to put your whole body into sugar shock.

When I first heard of Crumbl Cookie, I had seen the TikTok videos all over my “for you” page and was hyped; I thought that I was going to form a relationship with the “delicious” tasting cookies that everyone raved so much about. But, like middle-school relationships, it didn’t work out.

From the moment I took my first bite, I was immediately underwhelmed as the cookie tasted of mediocrity; the dryness of the cookie immediately filled my taste buds with disappointment, all while my insides were crying out for help.

I have this one friend who consistently raves about Crumbl Cookies. For this review, let’s call this person Bob Randolph. Randolph is not the sharpest tool in the shed.

“Did you try the new Chocolate Chip Brownie Cookie?” Randolph said. “It’s the bomb.”

Randolph claims that he “doesn’t know why” he has headaches all the time. Randolph’s headaches can be a direct result of consuming excessive amounts of sugar. Crumbl could have a sugar degree, as each Crumbl cookie averages 40 to 80 grams of sugar.

This is more sugar than a can of Coca-Cola, and twice the American Heart Association’s recommended daily amount. This amount of sugar can cause a rapid blood sugar spike, leading to potential crashes, jitters, and, if consumed daily, can result in significant weight gain, with even greater consumption being linked to the development of type two diabetes later in life. Sugar consumption is directly linked to cavities. It’s not rocket science. If you don’t want both your wallet and body to hurt, then stay away from Crumbl.

In addition, each cookie from Crumbl contains anywhere from 700 to 1200+ calories. One cookie, in particular, the Candy Cane Brownie cookie, contains just over 1200 calories.

To put this into perspective, this is more calories than two Big Macs from McDonald’s. This is also more than 50% of the recommended calorie amount per day, 50% of just pure junk, as this cookie contains 121 grams of sugar, 101 of which are added sugars, which is 202% of the average daily intake, and 40 grams of saturated fat, which is also 202% of the average daily intake. This amount of sugar and saturated fat will have your body feel like it’s Jake Paul fighting Anthony Joshua.

The amount of sugar and saturated fat was enough to stay away from; these cookies are riddled with all sorts of food dyes. From Red-40 to Yellow-5, and even Blue-1, Crumbl is seemingly painting the whole rainbow with all of the different food dyes in their cookies.

The problem is that you can’t actually taste the food dyes in Crumbles Cookies. A 2021 study by the University of California, Berkeley, found that artificial food dyes have been linked to hyperactivity in young children.

These findings have led to countries like Iceland banning them, and other countries such as England putting warning labels on products containing these dyes. Wake up, food dyes are clearly a health concern, as many countries are recognizing their danger to people. We should all take the hint and use our brains to remove them, as well as Crumbl cookies, from our diets.

From the insane amount of added sugars to the multitude of saturated fats and all of the food dyes, if you are eating a Crumbl Cookie, then you are consuming metabolic sabotage in a cookie. Spread the message.