HEARTBREAKING: Local boy’s social life and sanity fall apart after loved ones discover he thought motorcycle test courses were helicopter landing pads.

DP senior Park Hudlow claims he was enjoying a “lovely date” with his “even lovelier partner” at the Albertsons parking lot on September 10th, until the bombshell was dropped; for the last 17 years of his life, Hudlow had been living under the assumption that the motorcycle test course outside the DMV was actually meant for helicopters to land on. A revelation that left his boyfriend, in his own words, “in complete despair.”

“Listen to me, you’re not listening to me,” Hudlow pleaded, “All I’m saying is that if I were a helicopter, I personally would feel safe landing there, as if that space was for me.”

Points were presumably made in Hudlow’s argument defending himself, however, experts were only able to gauge a few sentences from his incomprehensive tangent: “How was I meant to know it was for motorcycles? What letter in ‘DMV’ stands for motorcycle anyways?” A statement that left his peers both confused and concerned, prompting one to ask if he was aware that “DMV” stands for “Department of Motor Vehicles” and that motorcycles are, in fact, a type of motor vehicle. However, this question allegedly resulted in Hudlow staring off into the distance in complete silence.

Through further investigation, we were able to uncover a conversation between Hudlow and his associate, who wishes to be unnamed. The discussion included the associate asking “Why would there be helicopters at Albertsons?”, to which Hudlow responded “I don’t know. What if the FBI needs easy access and that’s their parking spot?”

The following question, “Why would the FBI go to Albertsons?” spiraled Hudlow into an even more incomprehensible tangent.

We followed up with this unfortunate boy’s even more unfortunate boyfriend, to get his side of the story.

When questioned about his initial reaction to learning about the shocking revelation, the only word he could muster up was “Pity.” When pushed to elaborate his feelings further, he stated “We have devolved to a point where people can see open spaces and think that helicopters land there now… I want to dissociate.” This man’s mental state is not the only thing that’s deteriorating, as the state of their relationship appears to be in critical status. Hudlow pleaded with his partner to hear out his reasoning, however, it appeared that he was not interested in listening and no longer supports his partner. He left us with his final thoughts: “God save us all.”

Updated: 11/3/22